


got back the stars in my eyes too

by seeingrightly



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-03
Updated: 2018-11-03
Packaged: 2019-08-16 19:47:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16501616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seeingrightly/pseuds/seeingrightly
Summary: Hermann is quite used to overhearing unfavorable comments about himself, but he wants the cadets to take him seriously as a resource, which means they have to take him seriously as a person first. And, in all honesty, he could use a little something in his life outside of work. Trying not to think about the fact that he’s lonely isn’t helping, so maybe instead he can try actually doing something about it.





	got back the stars in my eyes too

**Author's Note:**

  * For [freezerjerky](https://archiveofourown.org/users/freezerjerky/gifts).



> okay lindsey asked for 2k of an idea we came up with in like april called "cool dad and science dad" featuring "butt touching" and i..... wrote twice that because i wanted to include all our ideas :/
> 
> technically i forgot until i finished this fic that one of the cadets....... died..... so...... this is a no deaths au i guess :| don't look @ me
> 
> title from "rainbow" by kesha

 

 

 

Hermann has made his feelings about the recruitment of younger and younger cadets well-known. Nothing has changed on a large scale, so he’s taken to implementing small changes, mainly by talking Nate Lambert’s ear off until he gives in.

“I’m sure medical is taking care of all of that,” Nate says, physically waving Hermann off as they walk down one of the Shatterdome’s echoing hallways.

“Oh, you’re sure?” Hermann asks. “I spoke to them about it and they assured me they’re providing absolutely no sexual education to the adolescents whose - whose hormones are incubating in one large bunk all the time.”

“And what are you suggesting?” Nate asks, shooting Hermann a skeptical look.

“At the very least they need to be provided with basic,  _ accurate _ information coming from a source other than whatever they find on their own time,” Hermann replies. “A pamphlet, or the like. And they need a resource - they need to be able to ask questions without embarrassment. And, frankly, they need access to supplies that they can’t easily obtain on their own.”

“Supplies,” Nate replies faintly. “You, know, Gottlieb, no one asked us what we were up to when I was a cadet and we were fine.”

“Were you?” Hermann asks plainly.

Nate stops in his tracks, but only for a moment. Hermann often wins by asking him to confront his feelings.

“Fine, do whatever you want,” Nate says, throwing up his hands and walking away.

 

The response to what Hermann sets in motion is slow and unkind, but he believes it’s necessary, so he perseveres. He continues to print copies of his pamphlet and leave the door to his lab open and periodically remind the cadets that he’s available to them.

One day, in the mess hall, he overhears two of the cadets talking about him.

“How does Dr. Gottlieb even know about sex?” one of them asks.

“Textbooks,” the other replies quickly, and they both laugh.

Hermann is quite used to overhearing unfavorable comments about himself, but he wants the cadets to take him seriously as a resource, which means they have to take him seriously as a person first. And, in all honesty, he could use a little something in his life outside of work. Trying not to think about the fact that he’s lonely isn’t helping, so maybe instead he can try actually doing something about it.

It takes a significant amount of prodding at Nate, but Hermann gets permission to code a program for the simulator that’s recreational and not focused on death. His first attempt is a fairly rudimentary racing game. The cadets love it. Nate does not. Hermann makes more. In a sense, he’s just created more work for himself, but focusing on something low-stakes for a small part of his day actually makes him more productive and less miserable, as does watching the cadets play what he creates.

 

Hermann is making a hard copy of his equations one evening when there’s a knock on the open door to his lab. When he looks up, Cadet Renata is poking her head around the doorframe, a sheepish expression on her face.

“Hey, Dr. G,” she says. “Can I come in?”

“Of course,” Hermann replies, gesturing to a chair near the desk where he’s working. “What can I help you with?”

She sits, then crosses one leg over the other and then draws it up to her chest, fidgeting and twisting her lips.

“Okay, like, you said we could ask you questions and it wouldn’t be weird and I’m gonna hope you meant it, man, ‘cause, like, I got questions that Google isn’t helping me with.”

“I did mean it,” Hermann replies, removing his glasses.

Renata lets out a considering noise, then shrugs.

“Okay, okay, so, like, I haven’t ever had, uh, a very good time, you know, whenever I’ve… had sex? And Google’s telling me all sorts of shit about what it is or isn’t supposed to feel like or what’s a bad sign or when it means something’s wrong?”

She stops all at once, closing her eyes and rubbing at her forehead.

“I can absolutely find you better, trustworthy resources,” Hermann says. “It’s up to you if you want to provide more information or if you’d like broader feedback.”

Renata opens one eye, then the other.

“Oh,” she says. “Broad, I think? And then maybe more specific later.”

“Alright,” Hermann says with a nod. “Give me a few days and then I’ll get it to you discretely.”

“Oh, sick,” Renata says, standing. “Thanks, Dr. G. You’re the best.” 

“Ah,” Hermann says, startled and more pleased than he would have anticipated. “No, no, it’s nothing.”

 

It’s not nothing. He ends up doing quite a bit of information-gathering on a variety of subjects for the cadets, and learns a good deal himself, sometimes about topics he wishes he hadn’t. It isn’t entirely research that he provides, though; he also ends up offering advice.

Hermann is surprised when Cadet Jinhai shows up at the lab. In the time Hermann has been offering his assistance, Jinhai hasn’t paid him a visit. He doesn’t look happy to be there, and he closes the lab door and remains standing. Normally, Jinhai is open and forward, so Hermann grows concerned.

“Meilin said you’re gay,” Jinhai says, stilted, his hands clasped together.

“Yes,” Hermann says after a long pause.

“I’ve never known anyone gay before. Except Meilin. And you.”

Hermann frowns.

“Well, you probably have and just didn’t know -”

“I know,” Jinhai interrupts, sitting down suddenly. “But I didn’t  _ know _ . I couldn’t talk to them about it. And talking to Meilin is good, but she’s a girl, and not… an adult who already knows things.”

“Of course,” Hermann says quietly. “What do you want to talk about?”

Jinhai lets out a breath and his shoulders drop away from his ears.

“I don’t know where to start,” he replies, but he almost looks happy about it.

He doesn’t leave Hermann’s office for quite some time.

 

The arrival of Jake Pentecost at the Shatterdome is disruptive for many reasons, though Hermann doesn’t expect his own work to be a target. He’s wrong. Jake enters the lab one morning, looking particularly unrested, and stops two steps into the room with his eyes on the bowl of condoms and dental dams Hermann leaves out for the cadets.

“What,” Jake says.

He picks up the bowl and starts rifling through it.

“Can I help you, Pentecost?” Hermann snaps.

“Apparently so,” Jake replies without looking at him.

“Those are for the cadets,” Hermann says, “and surely you can procure your own prophylactics.”

“Yeah, man, but these are right here,” Jake says.

Finally, though, he looks up and catches Hermann’s expression, and he puts the bowl down.

“What was your actual reason for stopping by?” Hermann asks.

“Oh, right,” Jake says, but then Nate steps into the lab and his eyes narrow.

“Did you ask about the new simulation yet?” Nate asks, frowning and crossing his arms.

“I was just about to,” Jake says, and then, still making eye contact with Nate, he reaches into the bowl and slips a few condoms into his pocket.

A vein pulses on Nate’s forehead, and Hermann’s evaluation of Jake Pentecost shifts toward the positive.

 

Hermann hadn’t realized how much his life had changed. Before he’d been lonely, with no life outside of work, with no one. But lately he’s had plenty of ways to fill his time other than holed up in his lab by himself. The cadets began asking him to join them in their recreational simulator time, sitting with him at meals, asking him about his life, though he’s been reluctant to offer much.

He only notices because it all changes when he gets Newt back. Everything narrows down to freeing him. Hermann hardly sleeps, and when he does it’s often bent over a table in the lab. He barely speaks, except to beg or shout or demand.

He forgets entirely about his role to the cadets until Cadet Amara knocks on his lab door and startles him awake in the middle of the afternoon. He takes a moment to pull himself together before ushering her in.

“Uh, hi,” she says, tucking some hair behind her ear. “I know you’re really busy.”

They both grimace, because he’d been sleeping.

“What can I help you with?” Hermann asks, his voice slightly hoarse.

“I’ve heard a lot of stuff about you,” she says carefully, though her voice picks up in speed as she keeps talking. “Stuff that doesn’t really line up with the little bit I’ve seen of you. And Vik speaks  _ really _ highly of you and she seems to hate everyone. So. Could you maybe… help me with the crisis I’m having?”

She spreads her arms at the end, her voice sardonic. Hermann can see why she and Jake would drift well together, both of them afraid of their emotions.

“Have a seat,” Hermann says. “Would you like some tea?”

“Not really,” Amara replies, making a face.

“Well, I’m going to make some for myself,” Hermann says, standing and groaning a little. “Why don’t you tell me about this crisis?”

As he readies his tea and listens to Amara talk, mostly about Vik, and as he thinks about how to respond to the different points of fear, he feels some of the tension drain from his tired body. It’s not that he didn’t know helping the cadets was helping him as well. He simply forgot that he needs to take care of himself as well as Newt.

 

Newt’s room in the medical wing isn’t equipped with much aside from the bed. Thankfully they don’t plan on keeping him more than a couple of days - it’s additional observation to make sure that he really seems to be in his right mind, and that he’s recovering physically from the past couple of weeks. Hermann hasn’t left the room since they got there the night before, and doesn’t plan to.

Predictably, Newt won’t listen to a single thing the medical team says, and Hermann has ended up in the bed with him so that he’ll stay in it. Hermann leans against the pillows, the top half of the bed angled so that he’s sitting mostly upright, his shoes and jacket long gone. Newt is in someone else’s sweatpants and t-shirt and socks, covered in bandages, and sitting backwards on his own hospital bed so he can face Hermann and speak animatedly with him, his legs curled up and touching Hermann’s. 

Hermann has his hand on Newt’s socked foot. They’ve maintained multiple points of contact consistently since they were able to. It is a marvel.

“Are you crying again?” Newt asks, interrupting what he was saying about the voicemails from his father he hadn’t been allowed to reply to.

“No,” Hermann says quickly, placing his free hand over his eyes.

“Come here,” Newt says, shifting onto his knees and scooting closer, pulling the hand away.

He places his hands on either side of Hermann’s head and presses his lips to Hermann’s forehead. Hermann closes his eyes and breathes deeply. They’ve done enough crying already in the last twelve or so hours, and more is sure to come. He really should put a stop to it the times he can.

“I’m fine, dearest,” Hermann says quietly, bringing his hands to Newt’s elbows.

There’s a knock on the door, then, and Newt pulls back guiltily, like he’s ready to spring into a horizontal position if it’s a nurse. It’s Jake, though, holding an armful of what appears to be vending machine snacks.

“Gifts from the cadets,” he says, dropping them onto Hermann’s legs. “They’ve been trying to barge in here to make sure you’re alright, you know.”

“Me?” Hermann asks.

“Well they don’t know this one yet, do they,” Jake says, gesturing toward Newt. “You know how they get when one of them hasn’t popped in on you in longer than half a day. Plus they wanna know what’s going on. What gossip d’you want me to pass along?”

Jake crosses his arms and looks at Hermann expectantly. Newt is staring at Jake very hard, like he’s trying to decipher what he’s said.

“Oh, ah, tell them that everything is fine and I will see them soon,” Hermann says, flustered and touched and worried he might cry again. “And thank them for the snacks, of course.”

“What, you’re not going to let me pass along anything fun?” Jake asks, squinting at where Hermann’s hand is back on Newt’s foot.

Hermann has shared many of his experiences with the cadets in order to help them - but not any involving Newt. He’s certain they must have an idea of why he wouldn’t talk about Newt with them, and that they must have an idea of what is happening between them now. It’s not like Hermann is planning on keeping it a secret, anyway.

“Fine,” Hermann says, raising his chin with false grandiosity. “You may report what you’ve witnessed.”

“Nice,” Jake says, and then he practically runs from the room, presumably to head straight to wherever the cadets are waiting outside.

“What was  _ that _ ,” Newt says, grabbing Hermann’s arm and shaking it a little. “What?”

“Oh, the young cadets are rather fond of me, I suppose,” Hermann says, a little embarrassed but also finding himself wanting to brag about it.

The look on Newt’s face is soft and indulgent, one Hermann had grown used to in the short time between their drift and their split. Newt grabs a bag of chips and rips it open, and then he curls up against Hermann’s side, holding a chip up to his mouth until Hermann accepts it.

“You gotta tell me all about your buddies, man,” Newt says.

Hermann surprises himself by not wanting to protest the descriptor.

 

Hermann plans to make a point to go out into the world on his own, to intercept the cadets and prepare them for Newt the way he’s prepared Newt for them, but he can’t actually make himself leave Newt’s side. They move from the medical wing to Hermann’s room very early one morning and take a few more days, with more food and updates delivered by Jake, before Newt is ready to venture out.

Newt is wearing borrowed, comfortable clothing and his hair is a disaster and he’s nervous but he’s also got cabin fever at this point, Hermann knows. He hovers by the door to Hermann’s room as Hermann finishes getting ready.

“Breakfast will still be there after I tie my shoes, you know,” Hermann says as he sits down on the bed.

“Yeah,” Newt says distractedly. “Yeah, you’re right, I just...”

“I know.” 

Newt paces for the final minute it takes Hermann to join him by the door. Hermann reaches up to try to comb his hair into some kind of order with his fingers, though it doesn’t make much of a difference. He lets out a fond, unintentional sound, and Newt wraps his arms around his waist and presses his face against his shoulder.

“Oh, I thought you wanted to go very badly,” Hermann teases, and Newt bites at his shoulder through his several layers of clothing.

They walk through the halls hand in hand, and Newt scoots a little closer to Hermann’s side whenever they pass someone. They’re almost to the mess hall when someone lets out a shout from somewhere behind them.

“Dr. G!” several voices yell, and as Hermann turns to look over his shoulder he sees Newt’s amused expression.

“If they can call you that -”

“Shut up.”

A few of the cadets head down the hallway toward Hermann and Newt, and then the rest come trailing out of the mess hall to join them, presumably having heard the commotion. Though he has to let go of Newt’s hand to turn around, Hermann brings it to Newt’s shoulder instead.

“All at once, then?” Hermann asks. “Alright, everyone, this is Dr. Newton Geiszler.”

“Call me Newt. It’d be confusing if you called us  _ both _ Dr. G.”

“I said shut up.”

Hermann glares at Newt, and when he looks away, the cadets all have various expressions of delight or disbelief on their faces. For all his anticipatory nerves, Hermann is surprisingly comfortable with the attention.

“He’s short,” Ilya comments loudly from the back of their little crowd, and Jinhai elbows him in the stomach, not gently, based on the grunt that follows.

“Yeah, I’ve never heard that before,” Newt says. “What else you got?”

“We all agreed we’d be nice to you for now ‘cause you’re going through some shit,” Renata says. “Dr. G. can tell us when you’re ready for us to judge you and whatever.”

“We did not all agree to that,” Vik says, her arms crossed. “Some of us want to let you know now what will happen if you hurt Dr. G. again.”

Hermann wants to defend Newt. He also wants to laugh.

“Okay,” Newt says slowly, turning away from where Vik is glowering down at him to look at Hermann. “I’m sure you try not to play favorites but I bet this one is your favorite.”

“Yes,” Vik says, at the same time as at least three of the other cadets say, “No!”

Suddenly all of the cadets are talking at once. Newt grins.

“Oh, you’re going to try to undo all the work I’ve done on them, aren’t you,” Hermann says, despairing and so, so happy.

 

Sometimes spending time with the cadets improves Newt’s mood, such as when they show him how to play games on the simulator, or let him talk at length about what he saw in Hannibal Chau’s den, or ask him questions about the old band t-shirts Hermann kept packed away in a storage unit. Other times, Newt snaps and then apologizes, turns quiet and haunted, leaves abruptly. Usually Hermann can figure out what sets him off, but not always.

He leaves a few of the cadets looking guilty in his lab to hurry down the hallway after Newt. He doesn’t touch him or try to stop him, and Newt doesn’t tell him to leave, so Hermann follows him all the way back to their room. Once the door is shut behind them and Newt sits down on the edge of the bed, Hermann can see that his expression is closer to pouting than anything else.

“What is it?” Hermann asks.

“It’s stupid,” Newt says shortly. “All I do is get upset over stupid shit and then embarrass myself and then as soon as I’ve apologized I do the same thing all over again.”

“That’s not true. Take your shoes off.”

Newt looks up at him quickly, and Hermann sits down next to him and takes off his own shoes. Then he shifts back onto the bed and gets on his back and gestures for Newt to join him. Newt flops onto his chest a few moments later.

“It feels true,” he says eventually.

“What upset you today?” Hermann asks, bringing his hand to Newt’s hair. “Even if you think it’s stupid. I want to hear about it.”

Newt sighs and presses a kiss against Hermann’s chest.

“Fine,” he says, and then he continues, a little whiny, “The cadets don’t think I’m cool! They tolerate me because we’re a package deal and because they think I’m delicate but they wouldn’t be interested in me at all otherwise.”

“First of all,” Hermann says, “you’re used to people not thinking you’re ‘cool,’ dearest. And secondly, it took me a long time to build up this relationship with them. Teenagers are difficult, and they like me because I try to help them and I’m honest with them.”

“Yeah, and you built them big fancy videogames,” Newt says. “I can’t believe you’re the cool dad.”

“The  _ what _ ?” Hermann practically chokes.

“You know,” Newt continues like everything he’s saying is perfectly reasonable, “you’re like the fun, exciting parent and I’m the boring one no one listens to, which is the opposite of how I always thought it would be.”

Hermann takes a long moment to digest everything that sentence implies.

“This is something you’ve thought about?” he asks quietly.

“Oh, uh, yeah,” Newt says, pressing his face against Hermann’s chest. “Not... super seriously or anything, but, like, it’s definitely occurred to me, yes.”

Hermann lets out a thoughtful hum and rubs his hand up and down Newt’s arm.

“You know, many of the cadets have lost their parents,” he says carefully. “I hadn’t really thought of myself as a... parental figure to them but it makes sense.”

Newt shifts to rest his chin on Hermann’s chest. He looks at him for a long time before he talks.

“I know you always felt weird about the idea of being a dad because of… how your dad was,” Newt says carefully. “But you kinda stepped into it by accident, huh?”

“I suppose I did,” Hermann says. “And I’m very fond of it, now that I’m here. I’m… I’m going to have to reevaluate how I feel about the concept of fatherhood more broadly, I think.”

He feels nervous, as he says it, both because it’s a huge shift and because he doesn’t know how Newt’s going to react to such a significant declaration. But Newt just smiles soppily at him and pets his side.

“Yeah?” he asks. “I’m picturing you with a bunch of little refugee kids hanging off all your limbs.”

“Oh,” Hermann says softly.

He can easily picture that as well. He’s startled by how easily. He can see Newt, too, working to put all the good into the world he hadn’t been able to for ten years by nurturing the children, receiving the affection he’d deserved but missed out on during that time as well.

“Hermann, honey,” Newt says, “did I scare you?”

“No,” Hermann says quickly. “No, the opposite, actually.”

“I don’t know what the opposite of scared is supposed to be,” Newt says, but he sounds pleased. “Look, I know I’ve got a long way to go before I’d be - better enough, and I guess we’re kinda old now, but -”

“Come here,” Hermann says, and he pulls at Newt until he can kiss him urgently.

“Oh, okay,” Newt says, pleased and directly into Hermann’s mouth.

“Disgusting,” Hermann says, and then, “I love you. Even though you’re not cool.”

“Hey!” Newt says. “I love you even though you’re mean.”

“Will you stop pouting if I feel you up?” Hermann asks.

“No,” Newt lies, and Hermann grabs his ass and kisses him again.

Newt lets out a noise that’s halfway between a laugh and a moan, and then there’s a knock on the door to their room.nn

“Dr. G!” Amara yells. “Well, both Dr. Gs!”

Hermann and Newt make eye contact from very, very close together, neither one of them making a move to pull apart.

“We can ignore her, right?” Newt asks.

“We did an experiment and it went… weird,” Amara calls. “Probably not trip-to-medical weird, but maybe?”

Newt rolls off of Hermann to look at the door. Hermann sighs.

“Go on, then,” he says, and Newt leans over to kiss him hard and quick before hopping off the bed to answer the door.

Hermann can’t even pretend that he doesn’t love this, the new life he’s built in such a short amount of time. As he watches Newt and Amara talk in the doorway, as Newt looks back over his shoulder at Hermann and Amara punches him in the arm to get his attention back, Hermann is confident that he’s not the only one.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr at [ch3ry1b10ss0m](https://www.ch3ry1b10ss0m.tumblr.com) and twitter at [coralbluenmbr5](https://www.twitter.com/coralbluenmbr5)


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